Fact: Because I write in all capital letters and because my lettering often runs very close together, when I write the word “flick” or the name “Clint”, my editors make me use a lower case “i”…

Think about it.

It’s not that funny, but at least you can say you learned something.

Me:  Why can’t we run this panel??

My editor:  Because readers may take offense at what they perceive to be cruelty to animals.

Me: Oh, C’mon!  I love all of God’s creatures!!

My editor:  I know, Scott.  That’s why that cocker spaniel still has a restraining order against you.

Me: Hey!  We’ve all done things we regret!  If you’ve ever sat through an HBO “Country Strong” marathon then you know what I mean!

Seriously though, anyone who knows me, knows that I would never hurt an animal.  Although, I do have this recurring fantasy where I push 3 cows off of the Empire State Building causing them to fall to their deaths.  But enough about the Kardashians…

Anyhow, I guess what I learned was that dead animals aren’t meant to be in comics and should be left where they belong… On top of Donald Trump’s head.  Zing!

Instead, I went with this one.

The inspiration comes from a real life experience.  Not long ago, a woman I had recently begun dating posed this very question.  It was embarrassing, awkward and flattering all at the same time.  Flattering that she noticed, awkward that she mentioned it and embarrassing that the Chiquita sticker accidentally affixed to the front of my shorts gave me away.

I doubt you need any explanation as to why this Throw-Away was rejected.  I suppose I didn’t see it at the time, but in hindsight, it’s evident that the sophomoric humor was just too much for mainstream newspapers.  And please don’t think that my “adult” themed panels are the only subjects that are taboo in comics.  There are tons of prohibited topics. For instance:

1) diabetic muppets 2) women with mustaches 3) non-recyclers 4) the filthy rich 5) the filthy poor 6) the filthy middle class 7) the butterfly stroke (brain hemorrhaging in any type of flying insect is no laughing matter) 8 evolutionists 9) creationists 10) origamists 11) man-titties 12) Shia LaBeouf 13) Megan Fox’s thumb 14) left handed people  15) Women with acute Angina (wink) 16) Men who masticate in public (and with their mouths open) 17) Naval Seamen 18) People who say Liberry instead of Library 19) feminine hygiene products  20) beavers 

Anyhow, I obviously never used this panel and ultimately, to appease the masses I replaced it with a comic that was completely inoffensive, bland and generic.  You know, like Jay Leno.

When this panel ran in newspapers a couple of years ago, I was surprised to find that one major metro paper pulled it.  Some of you may remember that I commented on it back then.  This is what I wrote: “Wtf? A major metro newspaper pulled today’s Argyle Sweater for “innuendo.” I’ll be the first to admit that my mind, at times, wanders into the gutter. Today’s comic, however, wasn’t one of those times.”

I did ask why it was pulled and was told that, because the beaver was a woman, it was considered a double entendre and also that dental dams are apparently used for some sort of safe sex practice.  To me, the reason was a stretch – and an irritating one at that.  I wasn’t making any kind of inappropriate reference – and to prove it, I felt like I should show them what it would look like if I did.  I knew it would never get past my own editors but it was really just for my own satisfaction anyways.  Here’s what I came up with:

Alright, today’s throw-away is a rough that never made it to production.  And again, my roughs are very rough – so today you get the opportunity to see the kind of chaotic scribbling my editors have to put up with…  And this is one of the more refined selections.  Ha.

Anyhow, if you haven’t seen The Godfather you may not get the reference for today’s panel – which, I suppose, narrows the joke’s reach somewhat.  However, that’s not why it was rejected.

It was rejected because newspaper editors would probably never would never allow the word, “feces” to appear in their comics section.

Next week, I’ll revisit a panel that was pulled by a major metro paper for it’s “innuendo” and include the panel that I submitted in response.

I think this one was pulled at the last minute because they payoff wasn’t worth the risk of upsetting readers by making them think of the word, “tit”.

Anyhow, my thoughts and prayers are with people of Newtown.  The country shares your grief and mourns your losses with you.

I know what you’re thinking…  How, Scott??  What could possibly guarantee such joy to the people I care about most??

Well, fasten your suspenders because here’s the answer:

Argyle Sweater Calendars.  They’re magical.  They make people happy.  Don’t take my word for it.  Give one as a gift and see for yourself.

*results may vary

2013 desk calendar

2013 wall calendar

2013 weekly planner

2013 slimline calendar